Space Precinct – 2. Protect and Survive

You’ll recall from last week’s lengthy essay on the matter that Space Precinct never had an actual, proper, bonafide first episode. The script that was written to serve this function, Demeter City, was never filmed. This ill-fated introductory story was written by Paul Mayhew-Archer, who also penned the episode we’re reviewing today, Protect and Survive. So, this isn’t even the first Space Precinct script written by this particular writer, and therefore it makes no effort to introduce the characters and settings. Nevertheless, Protect and Survive was the first episode of the series to be broadcast in the US and the UK. Weird, huh?

British comedy fans will know Paul Mayhew-Archer’s name from countless sitcoms of the last few decades including The Vicar of Dibley, My Family, My Hero, Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps, Miranda, Mongrels and many more. To be honest, I’m a big fan. I grew up with his family-friendly style of comedy writing. But how did he end up writing for Space Precinct? Well, by 1994 Mayhew-Archer was collecting credits as a comedy writer, script editor, and producer in BBC radio and television. Space Precinct’s Executive Story Editor Philip Morrow also had a comedy pedigree, for example serving as head of comedy at Thames Television in the 80s and 90s before joining Mentorn. So, rightly or wrongly for Space Precinct, it makes sense that Morrow would hire writers from his own familiar circles whom he knew could produce reliable results in a hurry.

Meanwhile, the American writers brought on board for the series such as J. Larry Carroll & David Bennett Carren (Double Duty) were better known for drama, cartoons, and sci-fi. Was Morrow’s initial vision to have the style of British comedy writers like Mayhew-Archer and James Hendrie mesh with the more po-faced American approach to science fiction? Or in those early, difficult days on Space Precinct was Morrow just desperate to get complete scripts delivered fast from anyone who was available? Whatever the reasoning, after a couple of early episodes from Mayhew-Archer and Hendrie, Space Precinct ended up exclusively using American writers for the remainder of the series.

Oh, and just to contribute to that potential clash of styles, Gerry Anderson decided to hire big blockbuster directors to shoot whatever scripts materialised from the chaos. This week, it’s legendary five-time 007 veteran, John Glen. So, with all that being said, let’s dig into Space Precinct’s second not-quite-first-episode Protect and Survive… yes I know that sentence made no sense, that’s Space Precinct.

Fun fact – I’ve actually reviewed this episode in print once before! Fanderson members in November 2013 could enjoy an extensive write-up of Protect and Survive in issue 76 of FAB magazine, written by Andrew Clements and I. Why was I asked? The reason escapes me – I knew bog all about Space Precinct back then and upon re-reading my old article today, I think my sections of it are far from insightful! Anyway, this review is guaranteed to be 300% more sassy, and hopefully a smidge more insightful than the last one. Progress.

The “This Episode” montage is equal parts dramatic and hilarious. The Orrin facepalm contrasts deliciously with various shots of people screaming and getting blown up.

With a few exceptions, editing duties for Space Precinct largely alternated episode-to-episode between Jason Krasucki and Sue Robinson, assisted by Charlotte Serpell.

Demeter City lit up at night continues to dazzle. The birds-eye view of the city through the clouds is superb and to be honest I’m not quite sure how Steven Begg did it. That either means it’s very, very clever… or I’m very, very not clever.

For the second episode in a row, we open on Haldane and Brogan in the cruiser, working late, shooting the breeze. I’m assuming the writers will find other ways of opening the shows eventually, but you’ve got to admit it’s noteworthy that it’s happened twice in the space of two episodes.

The lads are joined by an informant, Slik Ostrasky played by the late, great Burt Kwouk OBE. His status as one of the most experienced British-Chinese actors in the country meant that over the years Kwouk was asked to play just about every type of role that television and film had to offer. From broad comedy to intense drama, he could do it all. That must have been a blessing when he was handed the script for Protect and Survive because today he’s required to play the part of Slik as both slightly funny and totally serious… simultaneously. Somehow, he nails it.

Meanwhile, Haldane’s cooking a hot dog in a VCR. As you can see, the set department has provided a cardboard box painted silver with some lights on it. This is a £20 million production.

I know it’s goofy and dumb, but I love the way Rob Youngblood plays Haldane’s battle for extra ketchup. There’s a sweet, childish innocence to it. Now don’t get me wrong, that’s quite a weird tonal shift from the thoughtful, romantic lead we were left with at the end of Double Duty last week, but as a piece of comedy acting I think it’s pitched in just the right place.

As with many of the flying vehicles seen in the series, the model department’s hands were tied when it came to designing something futuristic because the live action unit insisted on using real 1990s vehicles to save time and money. So when a red brick flies overhead and touches down with quite a wobbly landing, it’s not surprisng that the actors then step out of a common-or-garden work van.

Haldane calls up an exasperated Officer Castle. If there was any subtlty to Jack’s flirting last week, then it’s entirely gone now. She’s irritated by his tropey lines because, y’know, he’s literally supposed to be calling about something else entirely. Brogan is remarkably patient while Haldane bangs on and on about his irresistible qualities. Again, we’re going for quite broad humour here. It turns out that what he’s actually supposed to be calling about is a group of Xyronites getting dropped off by a courier. Yes, a few seconds ago we were laughing about failing to get extra ketchup on a badly cooked hot dog, and now we’re getting into the scourge of illegal immigration. Hope you’re keeping up at home, kids.

Brogan and Haldane then seem surprised when the van takes off again… I mean… what did they think was going to happen next? The courier was hardly likely to sit around and take in the scenery.

The sound mix attempts to cover up the rather bizarre, “Gotta go, love,” line from Haldane, but Castle’s reaction says it all. I’m guessing Haldane’s supposed to be mocking Castle’s British accent in his trademark cheeky, charming way, but Rob Youngblood doesn’t quite commit to the bit so the joke gets lost. I say “joke”… it’s not exactly a zinger.

Brogan sets off in pursuit of the courier, much to Slik’s distaste. But it isn’t long before the whole thing goes pear-shaped. Last week’s chase sequence was interrupted by the only piece of traffic in Demeter City that day, while this week Brogan wrestles with a completely stationary sign marked “SLOW.” Mid-air collisions also plagued the opening chase sequence of the Space Police: Star Laws pilot film. With flying car chases turning up in Star Laws, Double Duty, and now Protect and Survive, I’m sensing that there might have been something of a drought in the ideas department.

There’s a tiny fizzle of sparks on the live action set. Drama!

Apparently that bump got the ketchup dispenser working… although it also seems to have dispensed some dry ice too. I guess that’s meant to be steam from the perfectly cooked, mouth-watering hot dog. Pardon me for failing to suspend my disbelief.

Haldane goes back into his dumb-5-year-old-mode for a moment as he smiles like an idiot and thanks Brogan for fixing the cooker. Slik’s in the back quietly wondering how this guy became a cop.

The chase is cut off for a moment so that we can go to the station house and watch Officer Took show off her telekinetic abilities. The concept of this scene is actually lifted straight out of the 1991 Space Police Reloaded trailer produced to sell the series. In that version, Castle is played by Chloë Annett of Red Dwarf fame. And yes, that would have been a superb piece of casting had she be drafted in for the full series. Luckily for us, Simone Bendix is great too.

Now, I’m sure this random bit of flying hat funny business will become relevant later on. Space Precinct has a nasty habit of signposting plot points like this with great big garish neon lights.

Anyway, back to the chase and it’s zipping along at an almighty pace. John Glen and Alan Hume do some really nice stuff on the live action set, which blends nicely with Steven Begg’s model and special effects work. The rearview mirror shots of the courier are particularly effective. Paul Mayhew-Archer’s script keeps the one-liners zipping along thick and fast as Haldane comments about the lack of an in-flight movie. Is this really the time and place for quips? Nah. Are they getting a bit grating? Yeah. Fortunately, it’s interrupted by an explosion and a crash. Just like the pizza bike in Double Duty last week, there’s a fair while spent watching the courier’s van come sliding to a halt after the initial crash – though mercifully not quite as long this time. I often have trouble distinguishing between Protect and Survive and Double Duty in my head and that’s because, well, they share an awful lot of similar set pieces.

The courier tries to make a getaway before Brogan and Haldane can land. Yes, this is the same bit of set we saw the red van on earlier with zero attempt made to suggest we’re now in a different location…

As the cruiser lands, the bottom left corner of the frame looks suspiciously empty, as if we’re right on the edge of the model set. Keep in mind that Space Precinct was designed to be watched on chunky CRT televisions complete with those very forgiving rounded corners.

The bumpy landing sends the kitchen dispenser into overdrive. Haldane barely has time to register his disappointment and gives his hot dog the same look you might give your grandma when she announces she’s got a new toy boy called Roger.

You’ll be relieved to learn that’s the end of the whole hot dog bit. Personally, I hope “Haldane and the Hot Dog” becomes its own show.

Wisely, Slik agrees to stay in the cruiser while Brogan and Haldane dash off to pursue the courier on foot. Just Slik alone with one seriously ketchupy hot dog. Anything could happen. It won’t. But it could.

Apparently Haldane regularly takes the back entrance.

Brogan finds himself in the middle of a meaty maze. Tick “Slaughterhouse Fight” off your trope checklist – no doubt inspired by Predator 2 (1990).

While probing the back alley, Haldane comes under attack from a giant screeching kebab.

Nah, it’s not a kebab. Haldane would’ve smothered it in ketchup. I think it was supposed to be a cat? Can cats really fly like that? Maybe if you fired the cat out of a cannon?

Anyway, the more important point here is that the “startling animal” is a recurring motif in many of John Glen’s movies. It’s just a nice way of keeping the characters and the audience on their toes during the tense bits. Of course, Gerry Anderson fans will hear a cat in an alley and immediately think of Captain Scarlet. That’s probably just a nice coincidence though.

While Brogan contemplates vegetarianism, Haldane gets startled again! It’s Slik, and he got scared waiting on his own. And yes, in Double Duty last week, Aleesha was also told to stay in the police cruiser and then didn’t. Remember how she turned out to be the murderer? Just saying.

Brogan gets inexplicably clobbered by a carcass in a moment that I think we all saw coming.

The tussle results in a cut across Brogan’s cheek. Now, according to Richard James’ book Space Precinct Unmasked, actor Ted Shackelford received an injury to his cheek during the pizza kitchen shootout in Double Duty. Meanwhile, Chris Bentley’s The Authorised Gerry Anderson Episode Guide pinpoints the filming of this meat store scene as the source of the injury. Both seem plausible, and keep in mind that both scenes were probably shot within a week or two of each other. Anyway, to explain the scar this brief shot was added which I’m hoping isn’t using Ted Shackelford’s actual blood. The man’s suffered enough already.

The courier conviently has exactly the same complexion as a frozen slab of meat and immediately disguises himself accordingly. Talk about low self esteem.

Quick fade to black while Americans and Sky One viewers enjoy an insufferable commercial break, and then we’re back exactly where we left off. Corpse-face gets ready to blast Brogan in the back like an absolute rotter.

Never fear, Haldane is here! In fact, it’s that jolly exciting shot of him from the opening titles.

Gunfire and meat ensue but it’s all over fairly quickly. The courier actor’s mask is rendered slightly unconvincing by the fact we can clearly see the neck line just before he keels over.

The grossness of the meaty setting begins to dawn on the lads as they recover from the ordeal.

Don’t worry, any seriousness is quickly diverted back towards comedy as Slik points out that the yucky meat products are probably quite closely related to the hot dog Haldane was about to guzzle in the cruiser. Chuckles aplenty. If you’re going to have outright jokes in a show like Space Precinct, slightly unpleasant dark humour like this is probably the right type of thing to aim for. It grates, but it’s kinda supposed to grate so it gets a pass.

Up in the station house, Castle and Took are interrogating the Xyronite immigrants they picked up off-screen. The set for the interrogation room continues to disappoint. It’s so tiny that Simone Bendix has to work quite hard to navigate around the furniture. She’s also been given the task of playing the “bad cop” in this and grills the aliens with moderate intensity. Only moderate though. She’d probably have an easier time sounding tough if there wasn’t just two inches of floor space for her to work in. Meanwhile, Mary Woodvine does an absolutely outstanding job pouring out cups of water while wearing a mask severely limiting her vision. Bravo.

The Xyronite make-up is very impressive. In a world inhabited by so many Creons and Tarns with an established look, it’s fun to see beings from other planets pop in here and there. As we’ll see later, Neill Gorton and the creature effects team certainly had a lot of work to do for this week’s episode!

Speaking of Neill Gorton, that’s him in the first image. Meanwhile, the blue fella looks like a snap from Gorton’s portfolio, and the third shot is someone we’ll be meeting later.

Castle isn’t getting any answers and it’s beginning to annoy her. Either that or she’s experiencing claustrophobia on that ruddy set.

Castle moves a matter of inches away from the detainees in the hope they won’t hear her talking to Took. But Took’s not feeling well all of a sudden. One of the Xyronites has been coughing all the way through the scene. I wonder if there’s a connection? Frankly that room’s so small you could transmit a disease to someone just by looking at them.

Took goes to take a break, bending down on the way out to avoid hitting her big rubber head on the door frame. Have I mentioned how small I think this set is?

Meanwhile, Orrin’s watering a plant that is clearly made of plastic.

Beezle interrupts to enthuse about his latest scheme to get tickets for the all-important Slamball final. It’s your standard-issue bit of police station banter but given a spacey twist. The plan hinges on Beezle and Orrin winning a Slamball video game competition to get two tickets for free. The only snag is that our hapless duo aren’t any good at video games… also, I might venture that they’re too busy working right now… y’know, being cops and all that. I’m sure this will all have something to do with the plot later though… maybe?

But the ace up Beezle’s sleeve is Took and her telepathic Tarn powers. I guess that somehow makes her really great at video games. All well and good, but it was established last week that all Tarns have a third eye and telepathic powers, so presumably about half the population of Altor has the same advantage. Beezle hasn’t thought this plan through at all.

As soon as Beezle yells out for her, Took stumbles to the floor. Is she faking just to get out of talking to him? Let’s find out.

The whole precinct is suddenly on alert and Captain Podly orders Slomo to perform a medical scan. Just like last week, Slomo emerges from his little door which is still rather cute. The green and white tape that was seen on the bottom of said door in Double Duty is now missing. More importantly, Slomo reaches the conclusion that Took has contracted Xyron fever. That was quick.

Podly acts fast, quarantining Took and the Xyronite immigrants, ordering that every officer be immunised against the disease, and insisting that Gershom be stopped from spreading the disease across half the planet. Oh yeah, Gershom’s the one who’s been smuggling in all the Xyronites by the way. I’m not sure whether we’re supposed to know that yet. Officer Castle mentioned the name once earlier. I guess we should all just make a better effort to keep up.

Here’s a gorgeous shot of Brogan and Haldane’s police cruiser arriving at the precinct. For these elaborate space shots, the effects team used the latest motion control technology on the market to sync the camera movements with the models to get these extraordinary beauty passes.

The shooting script features a quick deleted scene with Sgt. Fredo informing Podly that Brogan and Haldane have arrived, but that the courier won’t be available for interrogation.

Here’s a very traditional piece of police procedural business. The officers stand in front of their superior’s desk for a dressing down. But of course there’s another space twist. Podly needed the courier alive to give evidence against Gershom. Brogan accidentally killed the courier because he was unaware the creature’s brain was in his armpit when he opened fire. Whoops. Silly Brogan. Still, it’s another example of dark humour that I think suits Space Precinct rather well.

It also highlights the fact that it’s still early days for our heroic human officers on Altor. Brogan and Haldane haven’t gotten to grips with the particulars of all these alien lifeforms yet. That said, it’s obviously been long enough for Captain Podly to expect better. Had the planned introductory episode, Demeter City, actually been shot, we would have had a clearer picture of Brogan’s time adapting to life on an alien planet. As it is, we only have moments like this to indicate that this is all new to him.

Next, the story takes us to a multi-storey car park down on Altor… which is called a “skypark” to make it sound vaguely futuristic. On a world that uses flying cars I’m quite surprised they haven’t come up with something a bit more flashy for parking vehicles. Nevertheless, it’s a good-looking model building.

Another example of a flying car which looks an awful lot like a regular car. You’ll see why in a moment.

The interior is most definitely that of a regular car. Look at that hideous upholstery on the headrest. We are absolutely dealing with a 90s car here, and not a particularly nice one either. I’ve made my disdain for a lot of the live action set design quite clear already, but this isn’t just ugly or naff or lazy. It’s downright distracting. That seat very obviously isn’t supposed to look like that because it’s supposed to be a futuristic show set on an alien planet. Maybe it looks particularly incongruous 30 years later and wasn’t so noticeable at the time, but the simple fact is that at least some basic level of production design should have gone into this car interior and it just didn’t.

Gershom and his Creon colleague know about Slik’s dealings with Officer Brogan. It’s hardly surprising, but that same Creon was seen last week as one of Nissim’s cronies in Double Duty. Anyway, despite Slik’s pleas of ignorance, it’s pretty obvious that something unpleasant is about to happen to him. Gershom instantly has nasty mob boss energy and I can’t really fault actor Oliver Cotton for playing it in the most obvious way possible. Cotton’s previous Gerry Anderson appearance was as Spearman in the Space: 1999 episode, The Full Circle.

In the dark and moody lighting, Gershom and his goon succeed in looking quite menacing as they fire a red flashy thing at Slik’s windscreen. The props would probably look quite cheap in any other context but compared to that car interior anything would look futuristic.

Gershom uses his remote control to lock the doors… those offensively 90s looking car doors. I know, I know, probably modern-ish at the time but laughably ordinary today.

They’ve put some vaguely sci-fi screens up in the ceiling but it’s not fooling anyone.

While Slik begs for his life, this guy is sat watching in a nearby car. More on him later, but it’s important to know that he’s there. First impressions are that he probably should have bought himself a bigger car.

Gershom takes a seat on his shooting stick. Yes, his shooting stick, because we’re now in the 1800s. Gershom waves farewell and for some reason Slik tries to wave back. I guess it pays to be polite to the man trying to kill you.

The collaboration between the model unit and the live action unit is really effective as Slik is sent on a wild ride through the car park. Burt Kwouk has been directed to scream for his life while the lights and camera are thrown around accordingly. The model of the flying people carrier is shown sparingly because, well, it’s a rubbish design thanks to the live action unit’s choice of vehicle interior. Gershom has a merry time playing with his controller but there’s a very nasty glint in his eye, indicating that there’s worse to come for Slik.

The size of the explosion on the exterior model set is probably a bit too large. I know it looks impressive, but how is Gershom meant to survive the enormous fireball engulfing every storey of the building?

Instead, Gershom and his accomplice wander off quite casually, while the blue chap in his car has gone completely unnoticed. How Gershom missed him I don’t know, but for the sake of the plot let’s just go with it.

Sorry everyone. Time for a dose of Brogan family life. Can it be any worse than the dreadful C-plot we saw in Double Duty last week? Frankly, I can already feel my blood pressure rising just looking at the rubbish set design for young Matt’s bedroom. The only thing giving me more of a headache than those colours is the minimal amount of effort that’s gone into making the floor and walls look finished.

It’s dinner time. I’m starting to wonder whether Sally Brogan’s shoes are nailed to the floor behind that kitchen counter because I swear she never leaves that spot. The dialogue is your standard-issue business where Matt pretends he’s busy doing homework instead of playing video games, but when Patrick puts on his dad voice he comes out. Sure, it’s relatable but my goodness doesn’t it bring the story to a grinding halt.

Matt emerges from his standard-issue teenage bedroom. Sally dishes up standard-issue veggies from a standard-issue serving bowl. Brogan covers up the standard-issue scratch on his standard-issue face with a standard-issue excuse. If the standard-issue apartment wasn’t such a sickening shade of yellow I might have fallen standard-issue asleep.

Oh no. The mystery meat that Sally has cooked for dinner is the same stuff Brogan was goofing around with in the abattoir earlier. I’ll say one thing for this script, it’s certainly committing to the bit.

Awkward facial expressions from the whole Borgan family as they navigate the meat situation. Yes, I’m calling it “the meat situation”, what’s wrong with that?

Liz’s carrot screams in pain when she cuts it. Okay, I’ll give them that one. The humour in this episode definitely resonates well with me when it borders on the darker side – I think torturing sentient vegetables qualifies as dark.

Apparently Brogan can’t be dealing with talking veggies right now. After all, I’m sure he gets enough of that at work with Officer Haldane… zing.

But Matt soon reveals that it was all a practical joke. Not a screaming carrot but a little sound effects clicker cunningly concealed under the plate. When exactly he managed to set that gag up I’m not sure, since he was the last person to enter the room and Liz’s plate was already on the table at the time. Maybe he had it ready hours ago. So how did she not see the little speaker earlier? Look, I’m sorry, this scene is quite boring so I’m going to pick out stuff like this. Anyway, Brogan is surprisingly tickled by his son’s taste in comedy. I was beginning to wonder whether there was any levity in the man’s life and I guess the most basic form of dumb practical jokes really hits the spot for Officer Brogan.

Even Sally is vaguely amused, and let’s be honest her life is a waking nightmare where she’s trapped in an endless cycle of preparing meals that her family (and the audience at home) show very little interest in.

But as soon as Matt reveals that he bought the sound box from the Ripley (Alien reference) Mall downtown, the whole evening is soured. It’s pretty much the same character moment as last week – Brogan doesn’t trust his son to safely navigate the grubby underbelly of Demeter City so comes down on him with harsh authority. Once again Matt doesn’t see the issue because he’s old enough to look after himself and isn’t doing anything wrong. Meanwhile, Sally wonders whether she really is caught in a timeloop.

Matt storms out. Brogan sticks to his guns despite Sally’s request that he ease up. I cannot stress enough how easy it is to get this episode mixed up with Double Duty because the Brogan family drama follows the exact same beats.

Sally suggests that Patrick should spend more time with his son. Yawn. She’s right, but still, yawn.

The interminable dinner is finally interrupted by the plot when Officer Castle calls up. She breaks the news that Slik has been splattered all over that multi-storey car park. The shooting script reveals a deleted scene which actually would have shown Castle and Fredo investigating the crime scene but alas, that was cut to make more room for this ruddy dinner scene.

Patrick kisses his frustrated wife goodbye. Back to work! Thank heavens for that.

Over in the station house, a woman in a red beret is being arrested for crimes against fashion.

Coming back to the precinct instantly brings the story back to life as Podly explains that the witness from the car park is prepared to testify against Gershom.

Orrin and Beezle are on hand for some light relief as they attempt to beat the Slamball video game during work hours for a chance at winning those tickets, claiming that they’re investigating computer fraud. It’s a short, sharp distraction from the main action which doesn’t derail the pacing of the episode, so I like it infinitely more as a subplot than those blasted family dinner scenes.

So, now Brogan is in charge of protecting the witness, named Armand Loyster, until the hearing at 6:00 pm tomorrow. Podly drops a delicious hint that Loyster is “different,” which is saying a lot given what we’ve already encountered on Altor.

I love this stuff. Beezle smiles innocently while Brogan looks on in bewilderment at his colleagues. Because of the quite clunky nature of these scripts, it’s easy to feel like the various primary and secondary plots take place in isolation, with certain characters rarely crossing paths. Quick, unscripted moments like this just stitch the whole show together and make the station house feel like a real work place rather than a place where television stories unfold.

Over on the station house firing range, Haldane and Castle are getting some target practice. The shooting script included an earlier scene on the firing range between Brogan and Castle reflecting on the accidental fatal shooting of the courier – but this was likely deleted because it didn’t exactly move the story forward. So here we are visiting the firing range for the first time. As you can see, Castle is having a hard time getting her digital laser effects to hit the multi-armed alien weirdo on her target.

Haldane takes the opportunity to mansplain. Either that or he’s demonstrating the size of that hot dog from earlier.

Of course, he sticks his foot in it when he stumbles into suggesting that Castle’s partner needs more reliable protection. Remember that her partner, Took, is seriously ill with Xyron fever right now. Not exactly the finest bit of flirting Jack Haldane has ever undertaken… if any of it can be considered “fine.”

Jane storms off and Officer Haldane doesn’t have long to lick his wounds before Brogan drags him off for “nursemaid duty.”

Overall, a nice little scene. A firing range is always a good setting for moments of character development because in addition to the dialogue there’s some built-in action provided by the guns and the target practice.

Ditching the cruiser for a wee bit of undercover work, Brogan and Haldane arrive at the Hotel Nirvana in a very ordinary-looking flying car. So ordinary in fact, you might be mistaken for thinking that the car shown on the live action set is just… well, a car. And you’re not mistaken – a car is exactly what it is. You’re catching on.

This scene in the hotel corridor feels like it goes on forever. Even Rob Youngblood has zoned out.

I’m not one to make assumptions, but if one of these two men is responsible for the bad smell, my money is on the one who eats hot dogs out of a VCR in the police cruiser.

A little gingerly, Armand Loyster steps into the room. Regular Space Precinct alien actor Rob Thirtle had quite a difficult time inhabiting this particular character. The poor guy could barely see or breathe inside that giant head, and had to take regular breaks for oxygen to be pumped inside the costume. That said, the overall effect is terrific. Loyster is certainly one of the more striking alien guest characters in Space Precinct. The vivid blue skin, chunky hands and uncomfortably large head is all very memorable. David Healy provides the voice and does a considerably better job in the role than his contribution last week revoicing Idris Elba for Double Duty.

The humour turns quite broad but when you’re dealing with a giant blue alien I think that’s okay. Loyster is nervous, awkward, and portrayed as inherently disgusting. He’s responsible for the smell, and Brogan is most put out by his slimy handshake. Ted and Rob have some great fun pulling faces while the scene unfolds.

So, Brogan and Haldane are stuck keeping Loyster alive for the next little while. They’ve had better days. How would you like to pass time with an enormous blue hemorrhoid?

Meanwhile, Jane has popped into the medical area to visit Took. I scoffed last week at the station house even having its own medical area, since it’s supposed to be a police headquarters. But hey, I guess I’m the fool because they’ve used it in two out of two episodes. That said, Took would probably receive better treatment for her Xyron fever in a proper hospital. Then again, perhaps the quarantine requires her to stay put. So I guess I’m still a fool.

Not a lot happening with Took to be honest. Her life is still hanging in the balance but it doesn’t pack much of a punch. A subplot like this would probably have a lot more impact in a later episode of the series when we’ve actually gotten to know the character a bit. And keep in mind we had almost exactly the same business going on last week with Orrin lying in that medical pod. Or am I just heartless?

Simone Bendix is acting her socks off to sell the distress of seeing her colleague’s life in jeopardy… so I guess I am just heartless.

By golly that’s a pretty model shot.

The world press (all three of them) has gathered at the front desk to watch Gershom’s arrival. David Shaw-Parker plays Gershom’s lawyer and is busy giving Fredo a hard time. The lawyer has a voice which makes you want to punch him… which I’m sure won’t work against him later on in the story.

Beezle insists that Gershom puts his cigar out and suddenly the scene reeks of macho energy while the two stare each other down, and Gershom stubs it out in the pot plant.

This is absolutely a setup for something later on. Space Precinct is never, ever subtle about flagging these things for us.

Anyway – Beezle and Orrin are getting back to what’s really important in this week’s episode…

Since Took couldn’t help them, they’ve now enlisted Slomo to play through the Slamball game on their behalf and win those tickets. Last week he was basically a glorified telephone and a projector, so as far as Slomo’s concerned this a step up, and he’s having a whale of a time.

Back at the Hotel Nirvana, Brogan and Haldane are having a whale of a time too. Look at those comically large playing cards all stuck together with blue alien slime! Don’t you just love it?! And see Rob Youngblood doing his best “bothered by a flying insect that isn’t really there” acting. It’s top notch stuff.

Oh it gets better.

The computer generated effects boom of the 1990s made captivating moments of cinema like this possible for the first time.

Bravo.

And I can’t fault the acting choices that Rob Youngblood made for this scene. Crueller critics than I may fault him for taking the job on Space Precinct in the first place, but I challenge anyone to fault those specific facial expressions.

In case you’re just tuning in, this giant icky blueberry witnessed a horrific murder last night and is now on a mobster’s hit list. He passes the time in police protection playing cards and eating the flies that his profound body odour manages to lure out of the swamp and into the city. And if that isn’t enough, he sounds distractingly like Shane Weston from Joe 90.

No Ted, you’ve signed your contract now. You can’t go back. You can never go back.

Beezle and Orrin are most put out that they briefly had to go and do some actual police work. Deleted scenes that are present in the shooting script would have also shown them in the police cruiser before arriving at the station house. They quickly pass their apprehended drunk over to Sgt. Fredo. We know he’s drunk because there’s some hastily dubbed on voice over of a man insisting he’s “sober as a judge.” It’s so hastily dubbed that the gentleman’s mouth doesn’t move one little bit while he speaks.

I’d also like to draw your attention to the red chair in the background which is held up by a very ordinary bit of wood. In fact, I’m not sure it can actually function as a chair thanks to that bit of wood sticking up through the back. I’m at a complete loss as to why the art department took what was probably a normal chair with four red legs, removed the legs, stuck an unpainted bit of wood through the back, and nailed it to the set as-is. Am I wrong for thinking that’s supposed to be a chair at all? Is it some sort of space torture device? But why is it so obviously made of wood? I just want to know what the thought process was. Can someone please tell me? Or better yet, just get me out of this.

It really didn’t take long at all for that cigar butt in the pot plant to become significant. Gershom’s planted (get it?) a bug and now has the pleasure of sitting in his holding cell listening to Beezle and Orrin cheer on Slomo. Wow. Are you really that desperate for audio entertainment, Mr. Gershom? Can I recommend The Security Hazard Show available now on all good podcast platforms?

The special design for that Creon newsreader’s glasses is ingenious, while the logo for TV Demeter City is rubbish. No other notes.

Loyster switches off the screen, which has conveniently recapped the plot for us, and announced he needs to use the little boy’s room… or whatever room a giant blue testicle on legs would use to relieve themselves in anyway. Again, Rob Thirtle visibly struggles to navigate around the furniture because his costume offers absolutely no visibility. Loyster is insistent that one of the officers joins him in the bathroom for protection, which goes over as well as you might expect.

Poor Officer Castle has nothing better to do in this episode but just sleep in the medical area while Took rests.

But Took has other ideas, and that whole police hat thing from the beginning of the episode comes back around as we all knew it would.

Awww. I must admit, it is a rather nice moment. I stand by the fact it’s a story idea that would have held more weight later on in the series once we’re more invested in the characters, but it works well enough here.

Jane rushes through the station house, telling every background extra she sees that Took is feeling better. She gets to Beezle and Orrin – played by actors who are contractually permitted to speak dialogue back at her – but they’re too engrossed in the video game to chat.

It’s Slomo who brings the lads back to reality and insists they pay attention to Officer Castle. She asks where Brogan is but Orrin tells her he’s away with the witness right now.

Orrin is then good enough to provide Brogan’s exact location for the benefit of any weirdos listening in via a cigar butt bug in the plant pot… wow, try saying that five times fast: cigar butt bug in the plant pot, cigar butt bug in the plant pot, cigar butt bug in the plant pot, cigar butt bug in the plant pot, cigar butt bug in the plant pot. Did you say something rude? Good, let’s resume.

I’m guessing it was incredibly difficult for Tom Watt and Richard James to achieve a mid-air fist bump since neither actor could probably see the other.

Alas, while Orrin and Beezle celebrate winning the Slamball game, actor Oliver Cotton has made this particular acting choice.

He insists on speaking with his lawyer while politely making a kissy-face at Fredo. I’m starting to think this man might be a bit deranged.

By the next scene, the lawyer is already on the phone to Gershom’s associate (named Mephistes in the script) about preventing Loyster from testifying. Finally someone’s putting their foot on the gas for this episode’s plot.

Food has been quite a recurring theme in this week’s episode… assuming that is food.

Yeah, it’s food.

Even when he’s locked in a hotel room with a big blue sneeze, we can’t escape from a scene with Patrick Brogan’s very average family. Sally’s feet are glued to the kitchen floor again, and Liz lets slip that Matt is downtown getting a special Slamball haircut. Brogan insists that this is a ruddy terrible thing and that Matt should be locked in his room. Sally, quite rightly, questions his parenting style.

When Sally hangs up, we get this notice on the screen in friendly green letters. Brogan disobeys the friendly green letters and naffs off without deactivating the screen. I’m sure that will have some very convenient consequences in a few moments.

The thugs pull up at the Hotel Nirvana. I’m sure they’re just going to politely knock on Loyster’s door and ask really nicely for him not to testify. The guns are purely decorative.

Brogan begins the next scene pacing up and down explaining to the others that his wife is a “stupid woman” and his son is a “stupid kid.” Calm down mate. You mistook a brain for an armpit earlier so you’re not exactly Mr. Clever either.

Loyster speaks fondly of his own family – a wife and four children of whom he’s very proud and misses a great deal. From a characterisation point of view it’s a smart move for Paul Mayhew-Archer’s script to make us feel some sympathy for the ugly blue blob at this point. And, because Paul Mayhew-Archer has a pedigree for sitcom, it’s also a golden opportunity for him to write a gag which would have killed in front of a studio audience, as Haldane reacts unfavourably to the family picture that we never see. One can only imagine the horror of it.

Brogan goes for a well-timed walk through the hotel corridors but doesn’t bump into the armed crook just yet. Oh good. That means we can enjoy those ugly light fixtures for a bit longer.

Blimey, you could hang washing on that chin.

Any guesses as to who this human guest at the hotel might be? You’ll be thrilled to hear that it’s actually Rob Thirtle – out of the Loyster costume and able to walk around without bumping into furniture or collapsing from lack of oxygen.

Brogan negotiates unsuccessfully with the most generic vending machine in the galaxy. The machine propounds such lavish offerings as green drink, pink drink, blue drink, and other drink.

Tension builds as the armed crony prowls the corridors in search of the right hotel room, and Brogan finally gets his drink of choice… mmm, tasty green drink… or possibly blue… I wasn’t really paying that much attention.

Well, would you believe it – Brogan runs into the bad guy in the hallway. There’s a mini gunfight which Brogan wins, but the trouble is only just beginning.

Back in Loyster’s hotel room, Brogan alerts the gang to the danger. He looks mighty tough wielding his big blaster gun. He doesn’t looks so tough when Haldane lobs a jacket at his face.

Another dodgy geezer arrives through the window. Space Precinct was never short of stunt artists and this particular episode featured the talents of Stuart Fell, Andrew Bradford, Gerry Crampton and Paul Heasman.

Ted Shackelford does a very realistic portrayal of a man getting his hand burned when his gun is blasted away by the crook. Well, as far as I know he’s acting anyway. Given his bad luck earlier in the episode with the cut to his cheek I guess anything could have happened.

Let me get this straight. The bad guy’s job is to stop Loyster testifying at the hearing, preferably by murdering him to death. Said bad guy jumps through the window and immediately grabs a hold of Loyster. He successfully disarms both police officers. He has a gun in his hand ready to directly blow Loyster’s brain out, and probably Brogan and Haldane as well in quick succession… So, why does he hand Loyster back over to the officers, take an extra minute to gloat, and spend an unnecessarily long time lining up his shot now that Loyster is standing further away from him? It’s just not a terribly efficient bit of murdering is it? Of course, I’m sure the fact we now have to fade to black for another commercial break has had absolutely no bearing on any of this…

After the break we’re… ugh… we’re back with the Brogan family in the suburbs. This had better be good.

Matt’s done… something… with his hair. It puts me in mind of a baboon’s backside.

Liz seems to have found next week’s script on the back of her brother’s head… or some particularly large nits.

Liz borrows the remote and tries to make a video call to her friend Sharla. I’m sure Sharla wants to know all the latest goings-on in Liz’s life from the screaming vegetables to Matt’s hair to whatever Zil is up to this week. Say, Zil’s been awfully quiet this week…

Oh look. Brogan left the screen on so Liz tunes in directly. I won’t lie, that’s not a completely awful bit of coincidence. I would almost consider that clever. Well done Space Precinct.

Are they about to watch their daddy get murdered? Well they would do if this particular bad guy wasn’t labouring the point quite so much.

Young Matt thinks fast and yells a distraction down the phone which gives Brogan enough time to grab his gun and shoot the bad guy. Hurrah! Patrick’s son isn’t quite as stupid as he might have suggested earlier.

M’kay, we’re going to linger on that dead guy for a bit longer are we?

Sally vows never to let the kids go downtown again… as if that was the lesson we were all supposed to take from this experience.

Also, what kind of 14-year-old has a leather jacket with a studded collar and a rainbow on the back? Surely it’s one or the other?

The action sequence we’ve all been waiting for finally gets started as Haldane and Brogan escort Loyster to their rubbish undercover car. Laser bolts go zip, zap, bang and it all feels quite exciting. The baddies manage to fire a shot at the car which knocks out the radio.

With our heroes in one suspiciously ordinary-looking car, and the bad guys pursuing in another suspiciously ordinary-looking car, it looks like we’re in for a suspiciously ordinary-looking car chase in the skies above Demeter City… just like we had in Double Duty last week. That’s not necessarily a fault of Space Precinct of course. All action-packed police shows require a heavy flow of car chases. It’s just what you do.

Sally Brogan was good enough to phone up someone at the station house to keep them informed of the situation. Captain Podly is in an anxious rush to ensure Gershom gets to trial and that Loyster survives long enough with Brogan and Haldane to testify. It’s all getting quite thrilling!

Utterly terrified by the ensuing car chase, Loyster manages to make a nice quip about teaching his kids to never help the police. I think that’s a really good little throwaway joke – it feels earned.

Mephistes has a good little chuckle to himself. He was played by regular alien cast member Ken Whitfield and re-voiced, surprisingly enough, by David Healy.

With 21 minutes to spare, Gershom is on his way to court. Officer Castle is wearing the police hat which Took kindly floated over to her earlier… unfortunately, it looks a bit silly. Gershom seems to be holding a hat too. He’s not wearing the hat though. Probably because it looks a bit silly.

This episode’s chase through the city looks a heck of a lot better than the one in Double Duty. The pace of the editing is much more forgiving, and the nighttime setting makes the skyline of Demeter City feel much more impressive.

Mephistes gets out his big green gun and by some kind of miracle lands another one of those control devices straight onto the bonnet of our heroes’ car.

Brogan loses control of the vehicle and Mephistes conveniently steers them into a part of Demeter City filled with a lot of towers that all look the same. The camera whizzes around on the model set while lights go all over the place on the live action set. Put to Crispin Merrell’s music the drama and the action really come through.

Loyster insists that his window be rolled down immediately. Wow. They really are using every part of this episode as a setup for another part of the episode aren’t they?

Yup. They really are going there. Of course it’s ridiculous, but is it okay if I like it? I like the idea that this big blue buffoon has no bravery, no social graces, and no hygiene but he has kids at home worth staying alive for and an especially long, well-trained tongue. Sometimes that’s enough. I know it’s a cartoon gimmick at odds with the dark and gritty edge that Space Precinct is trying desperately to establish. The tone of the show is still failing to land on one side or the other and remains completely baffling. You’re watching this wondering what on earth they were thinking. But that’s sort of the point. In this instance it’s supposed to be a bit weird and off-putting but also trying to sweep you up in the action and excitement of it all – because that’s exactly what Brogan and Haldane are experiencing right now too. Call it ill-judged or in bad taste if you like, but it’s certainly surprising and I wouldn’t say it was boring!

At the last possible moment, Loyster manages to lick the control device off of their car, send it hurtling through the air, and have it land slap bang in front of Mephistes. The rotter is about to get a taste of his own medicine.

The villain reaches out of his window in a desperate bid to save himself, but I think we all know what’s about to happen.

The effects team seem to love blowing up half of Demeter City every time there’s a car accident.

Oh but that’s not the end of it folks! Loyster has managed to choke on his own tongue! At least I think that’s what’s happened. Brogan insists that Haldane use an oxygen mask which really doesn’t seem that helpful when there’s a large tongue obstructing his airways.

Brogan hands over the controls to Haldane and goes back to give Loyster some chest compressions. It’s supposed to be symbolic of Brogan’s earlier ignorance/indifference to alien life when he shot the courier in the brain/armpit. Now he’s making an effort. It’s the wrong sort of effort because the man’s swallowed his tongue, but it’s an effort.

The model team really did have an impossible job on their hands didn’t they, trying to make those regular cars on the live action set look like flying cars from the future? I really think they did the best they possibly could.

Speaking of the live action set… what an absolute heap of garbage. Never mind that this is a series set in the future, this isn’t even a good court room set for the present day. The absolute lack of depth or texture to any of it looks so, so cheap. When I think of bad Space Precinct set design, this is the first room I think of. Could John Glen or Alan Hume have done something on their end to make it look better? I have a horrible feeling that they’re already doing it. The camera is as far away as possible to make the tiny space look as big as possible. Looking down at the obviously fake wood floors isn’t ideal but I’ll wager they couldn’t do a shot looking up because the walls probably stop abruptly just above the door frame. You couldn’t fit any more background actors on that set to fill it out. The choice of furniture and props is incredibly boring – the lamp in the foreground of this shot has been left turned off to avoid drawing attention to it.

I get it. The budget had to stretch to a lot of sets and the shooting schedule for the series was punishing. But live action designer Tony Curtis and his team desperately needed to innovate and do some bold, creative thinking to come up with a new way of building sets, rather than sticking to traditional methods. Working in a similar timeframe, with a similarly generous (for TV) budget, on the exact same L & M stages at Pinewood 20 years earlier, Keith Wilson was coming up with the most extraordinary, unusual sets for Space: 1999 ever seen on television at that point. Wilson embraced the limitations of creating alien planets and vast futuristic rooms inside a studio by steering away from making his sets look like anything you’d ever seen before. On Space Precinct, Curtis seems to be trying quite hard to make all his sets look exactly as you would expect – a court room is a basic replica of a court room, a hotel room is a basic replica of a hotel room, etc. – and hoping you won’t spot the limitations.

Maybe part of the blame falls to the time period the show was made in and the time period I’m watching it in now. The aesthetic of the 1990s isn’t really remembered fondly here in the 2020s. The mass-produced cheap plastic tat of the 90s is what litters the charity shops and thrift stores of today. Nobody’s desperate to have that transparent blue wall clock back in their home except in an ironic “weren’t the 90s naff” kind of way.

Meanwhile, Haldane raises the exact question that I alluded to earlier – has Brogan got his understanding of alien anatomy right this time? Brogan doubts it, and has to resort to… well either mouth to mouth or going fishing for Loyster’s tongue. Either way it’s not a lovely proposition.

It is an ugly clock isn’t it? And the worst part is it has 13 hours on it, so must have been custom-made for the production.

The judge arrives. The court room looks ever so slightly better from this angle because at least it has a ceiling. Perhaps its no surprise that the judge is a Tarn. I imagine the ability to read minds comes in quite handy when determining people’s guilt or innocence.

Captain Podly urges for patience. I’m enjoying the judge’s curly white wig.

Castle tries to squeeze Beezle for more information on Loyster’s whereabouts to no avail. Gershom’s lawyer keenly requests that the charges be dropped since the DCPD can’t produce a witness. Gershom does his absolute best to gurn away in the background and look as guilty as possible. The judge has almost had enough…

But just in time, Castle returns! She has the news that Armand Loyster is receiving medical treatment and wishes to make a statement via satellite. Phew! We’re really taking a lot of twists and turns here. All the strands of the story have combined forces to get us to quite a dramatic climax for the episode.

Demeter City paramedics sure work fast. Yes, Loyster points the finger of blame quite literally at Gershom for killing Slik Ostrasky. Justice is done! Justice I say!

Castle and Haldane are delighted. The moustaschioed man standing behind them is delighted that he’ll get to his next appointment at the tanning salon on time.

Gershom punches his lawyer in what can only be described as “that memorable moment from Protect and Survive.”

There’s a bit of commotion in the court room – almost enough to make me forget about the terrible set. And, of course, Brogan and Haldane pop up on camera to have the last laugh. Well done lads. You’ve done us proud.

Obviously Gershom isn’t quite so thrilled about the whole thing. Look at that face. He’s really quite cross.

But as Mr. Grumpy Gershom is dragged from the room, Podly is giving out handshakes all around to congratulate his team on a good bit of police stuff.

Wrapping up a few loose ends before the end of the episode we return to the firing range for a rematch between Castle and Haldane. Now that Castle’s back on top form she’s able to compete with Haldane for smugness, and oh boy are those too back to flirting like crazy again.

I continue to enjoy the chemistry between these two characters. At the end of the day they make each other happy, and that’s very satisfying as an audience. It would be different if he was nothing but a slimeball and she was fawning over him unnecessarily. But there is a strength to Jane as she weighs up Jack’s offer of a date. And there’s a vulnerability to Jack as he gracefully accepts her putting a temporary hold on the idea. It’s cute and it’s dignified when it could have easily fallen into being quite brash and surface level. I hope the series continues to explore the depths of the attraction between Jane and Jack because there’s certainly potential there in the way that Simone Bendix and Rob Youngblood play it.

Meanwhile Podly sets us at ease that Gershom is on course to receive a life sentence. I’m glad that, so far at least, Space Precinct hasn’t ventured into the theme of capital punishment. Never say never with this show, but it sounds like a life sentence is as bad as it gets in the criminal system on Altor.

Checking things off this episode’s to-do list, Podly quickly moves on to wrapping up the small matter of Beezle and Orrin’s side case investigating so-called “computer fraud.” The lads try desperately to worm their way out of it, but we all know Podly’s smarter than that.

Sure enough, Captain Podly knows that tickets to the Slamball Final were the real objective of Beezle and Orrin’s work this week. He plays it so deliciously cool, using his quiet authority to snatch the tickets. The comedy is set up so well that we don’t even feel bad for Orrin and Beezle – it was dumb of them to spend so many work hours playing video games and we knew they’d get their comeuppance eventually. This resolution just feels right.

But in an even nicer bit of plot resolution, Podly generously hands the tickets over to Brogan off screen so that he can spend some time with his son. Everything has just fallen into place very neatly and everybody wins… even if Brogan visibly disapproves of Matt’s hairstyle… and the red dye is visibly coming off on Matt’s pillow while he sleeps.

And as icing on the cake, Sally Brogan is finally permitted to step out of the kitchen and smooch her husband for a job well done… Okay, this might be a little bit too much of a sickly sweet conclusion, but I guess all the characters are getting what they want so it’s good enough.

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Protect and Survive does a few things slightly better than Double Duty. The plot feels slightly less clunky. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still very basic, but the subplots weave back together at the end in a slightly more satisfying way, and the main plot is meaty enough to sustain. John Glen directs well and the cast seem to have a better grasp on their characters thanks to Paul Mayhew-Archer’s more witty script. The actors have more enjoyable dialogue to deliver, so their characters come to life that much more. I’m not suggesting that every episode of Space Precinct should be written like a sitcom, but while everyone is finding their feet I think a lighter story like this is a better starting point than the body horror and drug dealing storylines that Double Duty attempted straight out of the gate.

Would I choose to watch Protect and Survive before Double Duty in my recommended viewing order? I’m not sure it makes that much difference. They’re both imperfect candidates for the position of being a first episode. But for capturing an audience, the slightly more consistent tone and production quality of Protect and Survive is less likely to alienate viewers joining the show for the first time. The series still has a lot of room to grow, and I’m excited to see those lessons being learned as we progress.