Space Precinct – 11. Illegal

On September 22nd 1994, a little show debuted on American television about a group of six friends going about their lives in New York City – its title, imaginatively, was Friends. The producers of this obscure and rarely discussed sitcom came up with the novel idea of quite literally naming every episode based on the happenings of that week’s installment. Sounds like any other television series, doesn’t it? Well, my naive little possum, let me explain further. The creators of Friends, with their quaint vision of absolutely dominating the airwaves and crushing everything in their path, decided that their episode titles should reflect the way a casual viewer might describe a particular plot at the office water cooler the next day. As a result, the likes of The One with All the Thanksgivings, or The One Where Everybody Finds Out, or The One with the Prom Video, have become rewatchable sensations because it’s really ruddy easy for viewers to figure out which episode they want to see again. It would seem that turning episode titles into marketing tools is the way to get ahead in show business. Who’d’ve thought it? Friends did quite a few other things right in 1994, but every time I see one of those episode titles I just can’t get over how neat they are.

Also in 1994… Space Precinct. Need I say more? Okay, I will. For the simple reason that Space Precinct premiered nearly two weeks after Friends, the Space Precinct writers couldn’t use the same ingenious method for titling their episodes. Alright, timing wasn’t the only factor involved. That kooky naming convention probably would not have fit whatever edgy-yet-kid-friendly-yet-adult-oriented-yet-sci-fi-masterpiece-yet-police-procedural-yet-bla-bla-bla tone the Space Precinct producers were aiming for. So, instead, they came up with titles like, Illegal. What happens in Illegal? Well, it’s not really there in the title, is it? Every episode of Space Precinct usually involves some kind of illegal goings-on because it’s a cop show for goodness sake. And it’s a shame that this episode has such a vague, unmarketable title because it has some really memorable moments. We could have had The One With The Snuff Fights, or The One With The First Kiss, or The One With The Scene We Had To Reshoot for BBC2.

It does indeed appear that there are some illegal goings-on in this here Illegal episode of Space Precinct. For a start, it looks like Officer Haldane is trying to steal Officer Castle’s fillings.

I think I’ve said enough about the episode’s title for this week, haven’t I?

A car flies across the late night skyline of the city and lands atop a building populated with lots of other parked hoppers. The model makers seem to be getting to grips with the unusual requirements of building futuristic flying machines which could also be doubled by regular cars on the live action set. They’re starting to find creative ways to add detail to the craft without going too out there.

A very handsome couple arrive in all their finery and present two tickets. The elegance of the pair is at odds with the graffitied walls and big ugly goons frisking them on the way in. It’s a simple setup to suggest that something rather unusual is happening.

It’s not surprising that John Glen’s name is accompanied on-screen by an ambitious camera movement. Our handsome couple disappear into a crowd of equally well-to-do people. We pull out to reveal some sort of wrestling ring – the focal point of the evening’s entertainment. John Glen has done his absolute best to suggest grandeur and excitement, but the set is predictably drab. It’s supposed to look like a tarted-up warehouse – a place where decadence clashes with sleaze. Unfortunately the room doesn’t look decadent enough to satisfy the rich tastes of the crowd, and doesn’t look sleazy enough to suggest a criminal operation. It looks like a charity event in a village hall. Sure, the size is impressive, but the finer details are lacking.

For instance – those chairs are very, very average. Not smart enough to pass for posh, but not utilitarian enough to pass for scuzzy. The tablecloths suggest something fancy but the tables themselves are dressed with the bare minimum of detail. However, the costume and make-up departments have seriously stepped up. I’ve often criticised the way background artists are dressed in Space Precinct but this week some serious effort has gone into dressing the guests appropriately. There’s a consistent colour palette and everything. The guests and staff look quirky and alien but not so quirky and alien that they look like tasteless maniacs. Putting a twist on a vintage aesthetic was definitely the right way to go.

Richard James is back playing another guest role this week in addition to his usual part as Officer Orrin. On set, Richard played Coe Barner with a broad northern accent… and was subsequently revoiced by Wayne Forester with a standard-issue American accent. Pity. It’s worth noting that the actors playing multiple roles in the series did not receive multiple paychecks for their trouble. A cunning cost-cutting exercise by the production, but one which eager actors like Richard James were only too willing to run with.

Apparently the budget has run out in the Space Precinct mask workshop.

With some good, old-fashioned showmanship, Barner drops his cane out of the ring into a big zappy pool of electricity and dry ice. The crowd cheers as the cane bounces around and eventually ricochets back into Barner’s hand. Clearly, they’re the sort of crowd that would be entertained by anything.

Then, with actual magic, the fighters appear in the ring. At least I think we’re supposed to believe it’s magic. There’s a puff of smoke and then they’re there. That usually means magic is involved in the equation. Obviously a more sci-fi approach, or at the very least something with an actual explanation, would have been more appropriate.

Our human-but-not-quite-human guest character for this week is Tildon Alreeuh, played by Tony Haygarth – a wonderful character actor of the British stage and screen. He wouldn’t necessarily be my first choice to play a pro fighter, but as we’ll see later that’s kinda the whole point…

Apparently, his opponent is the Black Knight from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Nah, it’s actually Ogree of Elron. Gesundheit. The fighters are currently trapped in some cheap-looking blue nets. Again, it’s the finer details like this that have been overlooked by the designer and distract the eye when they’re not supposed to.

While the fighters are grandly introduced, the audience are placing bets and getting riled up. There seems to be no shortage of well-dressed extras for the camera to show us, making the event feel much grander than it looks.

With another puff of smoke, the fighters are freed from their stringy cages and Barner disappears from the ring. Again, are we actually supposed to believe this is magic, or a conjuring trick grounded in clever sci-fi stuff? We never find out.

The fight itself is great. Nothing feels too staged or awkward. Tony Haygarth’s stunt double, Colin Groves, is mostly kept out of sight. The crowd’s reactions are suitably energised. Some of the moves are sped up in post production in an attempt to stylise the action rather than make it gritty and realistic – probably a wise move in the context of a family show, but I can appreciate it’s not to everyone’s tastes.

Opinions will differ as to whether this particular flavour of violence is suitable for kids at home, but I’m sure it must have appealed to them at the very least. Professional wrestling was entering what many consider a golden era in the mid-90s because of the seemingly untamed theatrical spectacle it offered to audiences of all ages. Space Precinct attempting to reach the same demographic with this episode makes a lot of sense. You’d have to ask a wrestling expert whether this fight gets anywhere close to the appeal of WWE, but from a filmmaking perspective it seems adequate to me.

Here comes the science fiction twist on the whole thing – it’s a shiny rock. The sparkly effect is a little bit cartoony given the amount of blood on the guy’s face, but sure, we get it. Our fighter, Tildon, has been losing quite badly up until now. Will the shiny rock in the middle of his face make any difference?

Apparently so!

The tables completely turn, the crowd gets more frantic, and Tildon starts to get some serious attacks in. The pacing of all this probably could have been dialed up an extra 10% but it’s still one of the most extravagant sequences we’ve seen in Space Precinct so far for its sheer number of cutaways.

Wrestling nerds can probably tell me what this move is called. To achieve this move, the actor playing Ogree was suspended on wires which are remarkably well-concealed in the finished shots. The expression on Tildon’s face is hard to read. Is he delighted by this turn of events or a bit fed up? He seems frozen for a moment. We’re all on the edge of our seats, eager to see what he does next. Is he going to chuck his foe out of the ring into the sizzling zappy bath of death? The camera holds on him for ages, and ages, and ages, and then…

Oh. We’re fading out for a commercial break. Fine, I suppose that’s a good cliffhanger to end the act on. Let’s hope we pick it up immediately.

Nope. No such luck. Obviously if you’ve seen the episode then you know we’re going to pick up the fight later, but for first-time viewers this all seems a bit odd. We fade back into an exceptionally pretty shot of Demeter filled up with more buildings and lights than ever before.

John Glen once again stretches to an impressive camera movement to establish the scene and demonstrate the size of the set. Background artists populate the scene without distracting the eye. The full size prop of Brogan’s hopper smoulders in the background rather impressively. There’s some production value here!

Haldane gets to play the bad cop today as he dresses down a drunken Tarn for dangerous driving.

A straight line is conveniently available nearby for the Tarn to test his sobriety. He elects to levitate just above the line because… well, we were just overdue for some unnecessary comic relief. Brogan marvels at the magic. Conjuring tricks done for real seem to be a motif of this particular episode.

Haldane doesn’t have time for whimsy, leaving Brogan tickled. The pleasure he gets from seeing his colleague severely wound up by a complete buffoon is very relatable.

Remember Tildon? The guy from the big epic fight we left behind just a minute ago? Well, he’s back! I know! Aren’t we lucky? He’s running away from the goons we saw on the door at the beginning of the episode. He didn’t have time to change out of his lightning bolt wrestling gear so he looks profoundly silly.

Dazed and exhausted, Tildon bumps into an alien at the vidphone. It’s a new species we’ve not seen before on Altor, but it’s not exactly the most interesting alien design of the series so far.

Brogan exits the shot and then immediately flies back in as Tildon knocks him flying with horrendous force. Needless to say when Ted Shackelford exits the shot, it’s then his stunt double that launches himself over the police cruiser. Not exactly a subtle switch.

Tildon just can’t stop bumping into people!

Brogan chases after him but loses the trail. After all, these Demeter alleyways look suspiciously alike so how could one possibly keep track.

With his aptitude for fair play, Brogan announces that anyone caught bumping into a police officer would probably just have to apologise and get on with their day. Gosh, Brogan’s such a swell guy. Tildon emerges from the shadows looking sheepish and basically harmless.

Pat Roach plays one of the goons named Seegur. Roach also played the masked wrestling champion, Ogree, from the beginning of the episode. You see, Pat Roach was a former professional wrestler with a string of high profile acting credits to his name including the first three Indiana Jones movies and a starring role in Auf Wiedersehen, Pet. So it was a stroke of luck for the production that he was well-qualified to play both parts. The gun he uses here was previously owned by Vachel in last week’s episode, Seek and Destroy.

To spare Brogan from getting shot, Ted Shackelford’s stunt double once again finds himself on the receiving end of a shove from Tildon.

Haldane decides he’s had enough of dealing with the drunk Tarn and runs off to join the exciting action scene happening on the other set. None of the background actors seem terribly bothered about the disturbance. Tildon hides behind a little door while Brogan blasts at the attacker. He lands a shot on the car which escapes from the scene with minimal damage. Ah well, at least Brogan managed to hit something for a change.

The crisis is already over by the time Haldane arrives. That brick wall looks suspiciously like plastic.

And all that’s left of Tildon is a big splodge of ketchup. Cor, between this and the big fight at the beginning it’s shaping up to be quite an intriguing and action-packed episode! It’s about time we had one of those again.

So, to defuse any tension that might have successfully accumulated over the past few minutes, here’s a comedy subplot that makes fun of old people. Romek is showing his grandfather around the station house. It’s cute, but boy oh boy does this whole thing outstay its welcome.

Romek shows his grandfather, Zaydek, some guns. Apparently they’re the latest and greatest police tech around. Very little effort has gone into taking photos of the props that might make them look even vaguely impressive.

Next up in Romek’s presentation, we have a very crude animation of a satellite. It’s very crude.

… And that’s the end of the presentation. Zaydek is unimpressed and I can’t say I blame him.

Fredo, Castle, Took, and Slomo share a chat about Zaydek. We learn that Zaydek is a former desk sergeant from the “legendary” 3rd precinct downtown. “Legendary” is a word which gets thrown around too easily nowadays isn’t it?

Slomo also has a commlink from the 38th ready for Officer Castle. It concerns “the donut man.” That’s enough to get Castle snatching the floppy disk from Slomo’s head like a hyperactive child. Took is excited too. Yup. I’m lost.

While Castle and Took get ready for whatever “the donut man” has to offer, Brogan and Haldane have fun throwing their weight around chucking the drunken Tarn in a cell. You can tell Ted Shackelford and Rob Youngblood had a lot of fun acting out the rough and tumble side of police work.

Brogan chats with Slomo about Tildon, but discovers there’s no trace of him. Slomo says “S.P.A.” which I think is the first time we’ve actually heard the phrase uttered in the series. The acronym was used extensively in the Space Police: Star Laws pilot but I’m amazed it’s taken this long for it to crop up in the series proper. Needless to say, Anderson fans like it because it joins the ranks of “F.A.B.” from Thunderbirds or “S.I.G.” from Captain Scarlet. But what does S.P.A. actually stand for? Let’s keep watching and see if we ever find out.

Meanwhile, Brogan is baffled by Castle and Took’s enthusiasm for the work of the famed donut man. His “final move” apparently involves “a whole rack of donuts in a single swipe” and includes “incredible tail work.” I’m hearing the words, but none of it is registering with my brain. I get that it’s just meant to be childish nonsense and all, but…

… I have absolutely no idea what they’re laughing at. Not even in a “oh, aren’t they silly for laughing at nothing” sort of way. I’m just confused. This feels like a Romek and Orrin bit that’s been hastily handed over to Castle and Took in the script, regardless of whether it fits their characters. Castle’s always been quite straight-laced. Her humour tends to be dry and intelligent. I don’t understand what she’s getting out of the antics of the donut man. I guess people can surprise you.

In the bottom right corner of the frame there’s an officer in the background who is seriously unimpressed by all this tomfoolery.

Haldane suspects they’re either laughing at him, or pretending they’re laughing at him to make him paranoid, all of which is such a typical Haldane preoccupation that it almost makes the whole thing worth it. Brogan and Fredo are just as confused as the rest of us.

Brogan gets some distance from the bunch of weirdos by talking to his wife.

Haldane pops in briefly because gosh darn it I just can’t get enough of that cheeky grin.

Right then, Sally Brogan of all people is here to get the plot back on track! She’s at work! Yes, for real this time! We’ve heard about Sally’s job at the hospital, and maybe even seen her in the uniform a couple of times before, but this week they’ve finally figured out a way of weaving Sally Brogan into the actual story in a capacity beyond her role as Lieutenant Brogan’s hubby. Isn’t that a breath of fresh air? Sally reveals that the hospital admitted a man matching the A.P.B. issued by Patrick.

Someone hands Sally a piece of paper. Yes! She’s being trusted with important documents! She offers up more plot information about immigration officials looking for Tildon too. This is huge for Sally Brogan. I’m being slightly facetious, of course, but it is long overdue for the writers to figure out a way of getting Sally into the heart of the action. She’s a medic and he’s a cop – how has it taken this long for their professional paths to cross? And what’s more, Patrick asks Sally to fend off immigration. Apparently she has the power to do that too! As the kids would say: massive!

Haldane rattles off the details for Captain Podly’s benefit (and ours). Tildon is an unskilled Saganian labourer who failed to meet the immigration department’s quota and therefore tried twice to arrive on Altor illegally with his son.

Brogan wants to talk to Tildon before ICC deport him. He even seems to suggest that the whole concept of illegal immigration shouldn’t be considered a crime, which strikes me as a bit of a naive stance for a police officer of all people to take. It’s clearly a question he raises for the benefit of the younger audience at home who probably aren’t intimately familiar with the red tape of the immigration process – interplanetary or otherwise. Podly explains that while migrants like Haldane and Brogan brought skills to Altor that allowed them to settle on the planet legally, there are others whom the authorities have to turn away if they aren’t considered useful. Yup, Space Precinct is daring to dip its toe into the prickly topic of immigration. Trust me, they barely get their feet wet.

Brogan argues that Tildon is a witness to the attempted murder of a cop and must therefore be questioned before he’s deported. It’s an excuse whipped straight out of his backside, and Haldane comically congratulates his partner for wangling it.

Brogan declares he’s off to the hospital to find Tildon before these two clowns can protest. The humour is beautifully played. We needed it after such a dry conversation.

Demeter City Hospital looks mighty impressive… and completely different from the hospital we saw in the episode Time To Kill. Is it a different hospital, perhaps? Sure, if you like.

Sally is trying to obstruct the deportation officer from taking Tildon away. Go Sally!

She takes note of the officer’s badge number. That’ll show ’em.

She gives up and runs indoors. Well, it was probably a bit much to expect a full-on fist fight between them.

Between the dodgy revoicing of the officer, the unrealistically aggressive way he’s behaving, and the fact the vehicle they’re using is a rubbish family hatchback, I’m starting to suspect this deportation operation isn’t legit. But it is! At the end of the episode we find out they’re the real deal. However, everything on screen is just doing a terrible job at trying to convince me any of this is believable. Would it have killed the production to use a proper van instead of putting black sticky tape on the windows?

The officers have way too much fun threatening the bloodied up Tildon. In case Brogan hadn’t made a strong enough case earlier, this episode really doesn’t want you to like immigration officers.

Brogan and Haldane approach the hospital as Sally tries to warn them that Tildon’s been taken. Seriously, Sally is making up for lost time and providing all the plot fuel this week.

Tildon takes matters into his own hands and gives the officer a firm kicking with one of those delightful PVC boots.

Tildon handles the two officers with minimal effort, more concerned by the police cruiser that’s threatening to land on the roof right next to them. He sets himself free from the restraints while Brogan and Haldane watch.

It’s time for a stand off! But it’s also time for a commercial break! Don’t worry, this fight will actually get resolved when we fade back in.

Brogan urges caution. But something is holding Tildon back from shooting, and I don’t think it’s just Brogan’s persuasive methods.

Sally rushes in and bungles the whole negotiation. Well, she had to ruin something eventually, I suppose.

Tildon uses the distraction to climb in the hatchback. They’re really putting bog all effort into disguising it as anything other than a regular car.

Tildon flies off and produces an impressive amount of smoke for such a tiny car. Sally quickly apologises for screwing everything up, which I think is rather unnecessary given how helpful she’s been today in all other areas.

And so, Brogan and Haldane climb into their cruiser for this week’s car chase sequence. It’s a little bit different from the usual ones, so I’m afraid you’re not allowed to fast forward through this bit.

Waiting at a stop sign we find Romek, Orrin, and Grandpa Zaydek. Apparently he didn’t enjoy the nostalgic visit to the station on account of being too senile to remember much about his own police work. Well that’s cheery.

Tildon flies on by at a gentle pace, closely followed by Brogan and Haldane. Weird.

Romek, Orrin and Zaydek join the chase. Zaydek tries to offer Orrin a vial of something that looks alcoholic. Why? Because it’s funny. Isn’t it funny? Why aren’t you laughing? We keep cutting back to Zaydek sipping on this drink as if it’s significant. I don’t think it is but it feels like it should be. It’s not a criticism I level against Space Precinct often, but the lighting is a teeny bit too dark here and it feels like I’m missing something important every time they cut back to Zaydek.

Took and Castle join the chase too. The more the merrier, right?

With three cruisers following him, you’d think Tildon would be getting twitchy. Nope. He looks like a bus driver taking a coachload of old dears to the seaside.

Brogan concludes that Tildon is trying to lead them somewhere rather than attempting to escape. He therefore orders the convoy not to engage. “S.P.A!” cries an enthusiastic, and possibly drunk, Grandpa Zaydek. Yes, it’s our second “S.P.A.” of the week, so I definitely think they’re trying to make it a thing now.

Tildon crashes the car into the street because he couldn’t possibly land it gently like a normal person. It’s a Space Precinct chase sequence so it has to end in a crash – that’s the rule.

While the cruisers land and Brogan issues orders, Tildon starts jogging off at a gentle pace. Poor bloke must be exhausted by now.

Haldane jumps out of the cruiser and we get way, way, way, too good of a look at the regular car. A vague attempt has been made to cover the wheels but what the heck were they thinking?! What we’re looking at here is the 1990 Mini MPV which was another concept car borrowed from I.A.D., just like the yellow sports car that featured heavily in Deadline. It was first used back in Protect and Survive but this is the first time we’ve had a ridiculously clear view of the thing.

“I’m going in,” Brogan declares bravely.

“Oh that’s great, I’ll make sure to tell Sally those were your last words,” Haldane quips.

Pause for the weird joke to crash and burn.

“You’re a funny guy, Haldane,” Brogan retorts with disgust.

I love these two guys so, so, so, much. Heaven knows whether that was the way the writer intended for those words to be delivered, but we can all be grateful for Ted, Rob, and John Glen choosing to make a special moment out of them.

It doesn’t take long for Brogan to run into trouble. No-hassle-Castle is armed and ready for action. For once she actually looks quite threatening. We’re over a third of the way into the episode and Tildon speaks for the first time. Tony Haygarth’s gentle, Royal Shakespeare Company trained voice doesn’t exactly match the tough, brutish exterior we’ve been encouraged to buy into. Tildon wants the police to help him find his son so that they can be deported together. Brogan, again advocating for fair play, simply asks Tildon to drop the weapon so they can converse on more civil terms.

Safely handcuffed in the back of the cruiser, Tildon begins to share his story. Haygarth’s intensely serious performance is terrific. Tildon and his son, Nillim, escaped from a millennia of persecution on their home planet of Sagania, but were turned away by Altor’s immigration authorities. Coe Barner agreed to organise smuggling them to Altor in exchange for Tildon’s services as a fighter. It would seem that Haldane has heard of Barner before. Barner rigged the snuff fights by fixing a flame stone to Tildon’s forehead – that’s the shiny rock we saw at the beginning of the episode. The flame stone would give Tildon super strength, engage his killer instinct, and rob him of all control. Tildon even mentions a bit of back story about the Saganians worshipping the flame stones but frankly it’s not relevant – these Space Precinct writers can’t resist working in a bit of convoluted lore for all their alien species.

As a reward for viewers who’ve made it this far, we get to have a flashback to the beginning of the episode and the reveal of how that fight ended. In typical Space Precinct fashion, the fight finishes up in the most violent manner available as Tildon chucks his opponent straight in the pool of electricity. The dummy he throws is not particularly convincing.

Pat Roach gets to perform the unusual scenario of watching his own character die, since he plays both Seegur and Ogree in this scene.

The crowd is thrilled by the outcome because all rich people are fundamentally awful. They become slightly alarmed when Tildon steps out of the ring… in case the poor person gets too close to them.

The wild Tildon steps on the charring corpse of his enemy and then proceeds to fall off a table quite spectacularly. I assume it was a planned stunt, but it also looks ruddy dangerous.

Tildon then has a disagreement with a door.

He escapes, and the thugs are powerless to do anything about it because what’s left of the door disagrees with them too. Said door is clearly marked as ‘Entrance 7’ so maybe this door just thoroughly objects to being used as an exit.

Back in the cruiser Tildon explains that he forgot something rather important during his master escape plan… his son. Whoops. What a blunder. So, now they’ve got to go back and get him from Coe Barner’s lair.

By jingo, Brogan and Haldane are bally heroes so, of course, they agree to help.

Why has this man drawn a goatee on his face with a marker pen?

With the house lights up and half the set stripped out, the venue for Barner’s fight looks even more like a village hall. Barner is paying off his eccentrically dressed hostesses and indicates that more fights are coming up in the future at different locations. Yes, it’s a touring show. How marvellous.

When this particular Tarn girl shares a grievance about her wages, Barner is keen to indicate that they didn’t bring in as much money as they were hoping for. Makes sense – most of the crowd were cheering when Tildon won the fight, so presumably that means Barner had to pay out on a lot of their bets. Sounds like they rigged the fight in the wrong direction. Bunch of amateurs.

Seegur threatens the girl by aggressively closing a book in her face. Yeah, that’ll show her.

A frightfully well-spoken young lad steps forward and asks for the whereabouts of his father don’t you know. This must be Nillim, Tildon’s son. He’s not exactly the helpless young boy that I was picturing. He’s played by 18-year-old Tim Matthews, with a bald cap slapped on his head which makes him look even older. Barner tells the “boy” that his father has abandoned him… which sounds like a lie but that is totally what happened. Okay, yes, it was an accident, but that is an accurate description of the events. So, Barner plans to take the young…ish man under his wing.

Durl, another of the henchmen, steps forward to clear the area. As your standard-issue Creon baddie, Durl is played by regular member of the Space Precinct repertory cast, Ken Whitfield. The only reason I’m singling the character out at all is because for some bizarre reason the guy is seen pouting throughout the episode – even when he talks. He’s permanently puckering up for a smooch. Plus his chin looks like a pair of testicles. I’m sorry but it does.

Up on the roof, Romek and Orrin get ready to take up their positions. Grandpa Zaydek is still in tow for some reason. Brogan, Haldane, and Tildon cover one door while Castle and Took take care of another. It’s a thoroughly well-organised operation so I’m sure everything will go perfectly smoothly.

Zaydek is instructed to stay in the cruiser. Now if this were one of the Brogan children we all know what would happen. So let’s place bets on whether the same darn thing will happen again with Grandpa…

I’m convinced that people in Space Precinct have forgotten how door handles work. Brogan and Haldane blast all the hinges of their door with vigour… completely ignoring the single padlock in the middle which could probably be blown off just as easily with a single shot.

Castle is less familiar with the commonly accepted DCPD door-opening procedure… hence that face.

She soon gets the hang of it.

Haldane and Brogan kick their door down like it insulted their grandmother.

Orrin and Romek seriously overdo it by abseiling down from the ruddy ceiling. According to his book, Space Precinct Unmasked, Richard James did rehearse to do the stunt himself, but backed out as soon as he put his Orrin mask on and realised he’d essentially have to do the 25-foot drop completely blind. Glenn Marks ultimately doubled for Orrin while the special effects supervisor, Alan Whibley, doubled for Romek.

“Maybe it was something we said?” quips Romek. Was that the best you could come up with on your journey from the roof to the ground? I expected better.

The area is deserted but a sudden noise at one of the doors gets the squad thoroughly worked up. Will they be able to restrain themselves from blowing yet another bloody door off?

It’s Grandpa Zaydek. Of course it is. But never mind that. Instead, let’s enjoy the incredibly polite graffiti on the wall including “MONEY 4 ME” and the inspiring “WAY TO GO.” At least the vandals of Demeter City realise that they’re supposed to be making a kids show.

Zaydek shuffles inside. Wayne Forester is inside the mask and let’s just say it’s quite a theatrical old man walk he gives to the character, rather than something realistic for television. I know it’s a comedy character but I’d prefer it if Space Precinct humour was founded on something a little bit smarter than people doing silly walks. Of course, the silly walk ends up being the key to unlocking the next part of the plot because Grandpa taps his walking stick on the hidden entrance to the sewers. Hurrah.

Zaydek prods his stick through the garbage. Believe it or not it’s for the benefit of the plot.

The gang open up the cover and Tildon announces, “They’re on the move.” Yes, like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles before them, it seems Barner and his gang move about the city using Demeter’s sewer system. Wait a minute. Are you seriously suggesting that they’re smuggling an entire wrestling ring, complete with paddling pools full of electricity, down that hole and into the sewers?

Apparently the DCPD don’t pay well enough for the squad to crawl through actual sewage, so the mission is abandoned and we head back to the station house in order for Orrin to water his (plastic) pot plant.

Romek worries about his grandfather whom he apparently can’t get rid of or have a sensible conversation with. Orrin, with all the sensitivity of a cricket bat to the head, suggests that Grandpa Zaydek is “a couple of stars short of a galaxy.” Romek is understandably upset by the comment. I’m understandably bored by this whole subplot.

Podly is trying to keep Zaydek amused by offering him random objects to play with including a golf trophy and a toy car.

Meanwhile, Brogan and Haldane are concerned by Podly’s plan to hand Tildon over to immigration. Podly refers to Tildon as their “tattooed friend” like it’s some kind of insult – which is a bit ridiculous seeing as half the humans in Demeter City seem to have a face tattoo of some description. This line, coupled with Podly’s helping hand towards getting Tildon deported don’t exactly reflect the character’s otherwise tolerant and thoughtful nature.

While Zaydek gets boundless entertainment out of a photograph, Brogan asks for some extra time to nail Barner using Tildon’s help. Podly and Zaydek remind us all that written above the old police academy building you’ll find the words: “Overconfidence leads to disaster.” What a stupid thing to write on the front of a police academy. But Zaydek also remembers that the motto inside the building reads: “A good cop’s instincts are usually good.” Not quite as stupid as the first statement but definitely far too long to put on a wall. During all this, Rob Youngblood does an unscripted bit of business getting distracted by the same photograph, and Ted Shackelford snatches it off him with the look of a concerned parent. With all the pithy police quotes said and done, Podly grants Brogan an extra 26 hours (one Altor day) so that the episode can continue.

Then, Zaydek pulls out a ticket to Coe Barner’s private supper club, presumably found in the garbage earlier. Yes, it seems that the silly old timer isn’t so silly after all. What a revelation. The ticket doesn’t have a date or address on it, because apparently Barner’s operation is so sloppy that he makes the tickets entirely reusable for absolutely any of the events they host.

Brogan goes to leave but not before putting that ruddy photograph back on the shelf. It profoundly irritates me that Podly is missing file number ‘4’ from his shelf, and that he keeps file ‘E’ on a different shelf from ‘A’, ‘B’, ‘C’, and ‘D’. What an absolute maniac.

Over at the suburbs, the Brogan children are trying to kill each other again. You’d have thought one of them would have succeeded by now.

The kids are in awe of Tildon when he’s introduced. I’m beginning to think Tildon’s face tattoo, or perhaps something else about him, was meant to be much more impressive when Marc Scott Zicree was writing his script. On screen, he’s pretty much a regular guy by Space Precinct standards. Also, all three of Zicree’s episodes for the series have featured an alien-esque guest character coming to visit the Brogan family home, with Vala coming to stay in Enforcer and Matt inviting the holographic ghost of Alden Humes inside during Body & Soul. What can I say? The number of methods for working the Brogan family into these stories was rather limited.

Sally is not exactly ready to receive visitors, which is surprising given the frequency with which they turn up on her doorstep in this show.

Tildon points out that he met Sally earlier at the hospital. Yes, Tildon, I know it sounds remarkable but Sally Brogan can travel between her home and her place of work in the space of one episode. Sure, it’s not common and usually you’ll find her glued to the kitchen floor, but today’s your lucky day.

Patrick squirms as he explains to Sally the plan to use the study as a base of operations. She plasters on a polite smile and offers to make Tildon some coffee. Well folks, we got part of the way there with giving Sally some interesting things to do, but I guess it wasn’t meant to last.

The Brogan family photo collection delivers once again. It’s Patrick, Sally, Matt, and Liz surrounded by various men – almost certainly from the Space Precinct production team.

Haldane pops up on the screen to announce that Took interviewed a hooker… which is a funnier line to hear out loud than you might think.

We’ve managed to steer clear of it for the past few weeks but unfortunately we’re back on my least favourite set of them all – the pitifully small interrogation room. Still, it’s great to see Took leading a scene after so much time in the series spent doing very little. The hooker, whom we recognise as Coe Barner’s disgruntled employee from earlier, announces that another snuff fight is due to take place tonight at a soon-to-be-announced location.

You can do it Brogan, there’s a decent plan rattling around in that head somewhere.

While Took is already waiting with the hooker to find out the fight’s location, Castle and Haldane are ordered to come over to Brogan’s house immediately. Neither of them look thrilled. It’ll mean making tedious small talk with Sally, again.

Today’s bout of flirting between these two is considerably more direct than normal. Jack’s well-meaning words about enjoying spending time with Jane get all mixed up with expressing his desire to spend a day off in bed. He’s all sweet and innocent about his faux pas, where normally he might be brash and deliberately crude about such things. And just like that, Jane questions whether they’ll ever get past their awkwardness around the topic of “you and me.” Outside of the alternate timeline in Time To Kill, and one off-screen date at the end of The Snake, this is the most directly that the pair have ever addressed being something other than colleagues. It feels like a big step forward for the series, although the cynical part of me wonders whether it’s purely there to set up the kiss we all know is coming later in the episode, and then never to be brought up again. Keep your fingers crossed though.

Slomo interrupts with news about a call from Took, because the cut and thrust of police work just won’t allow for any workplace relationships to blossom, gosh darn it.

Keeping the more tender and serene atmosphere going, we have this quiet scene between Brogan and Tildon. With a couple of burgers to tide them over, the men discuss the merits of Altor over Tildon’s home planet of Sagania, and the people that Tildon was forced to kill during his fights. Frankly, the future doesn’t look too bright for Tildon. He’s going to need a spectacularly good lawyer.

Our dapper gang have gathered to study the site of tonight’s fight on a mobile computer.

Like all good police computers, Castle is able to just say some numbers and make the thing do mad stuff like zoom in on security footage and enhance the picture from a pixely smudge into a crystal clear snapshot. Remember that these are the same computers that still run on floppy disks.

Now here’s an exciting model shot. The vehicle on the right is none other than the original police cruiser seen in the Space Police: Star Laws pilot! Now I’m not sure what it’s doing parked outside Barner’s fight venue during an undercover operation since the word ‘POLICE’ is still clearly written on the side, but it’s still pretty neat! The vehicle on the left is, of course, the Brogan family car… again, not a good choice for an undercover operation. The vehicle that’s shown landing is presumably the one that our undercover squad is actually arriving in.

To the surprise of no-one, the set for this warehouse venue is pretty much the same as the set for the previous warehouse venue. The doors have changed colour and the furniture has shifted. When the group arrives it quickly becomes apparent that the used ticket Grandpa Zaydek found in the garbage is not going to do the job. Quelle surprise. Haldane pays Seegur a total of 200 credits for admittance instead. Tildon is questioned for wearing a mask and to be honest, I’m surprised more thought wasn’t put into giving him a better disguise. But hey, I guess it worked so who am I to judge?

Nothing suspicious about this bunch. No sir. Nothing at all.

Well I’m glad to see someone is taking this undercover thing seriously. Took has taken the place of her informant and is spending the evening selling cigars in that absolutely darling outfit. She’s already identified two potential rooms where Tildon’s son, Nillim, might be hiding. Anyone else feel like Took is doing all the real work today?

Haldane and Castle take the furthest door, but what cunning plan has Jack devised to get past security?

Jack and Jane use their first kiss as a golden opportunity to move towards the door without being questioned. In a way it’s a shame that such an important character moment is dripping in cliché, but in another way it seems fitting for the two of them to combine business with pleasure when they so often find work getting in the way of their relationship. It’s not a particularly rewarding moment for the audience, but it’s apt that a romantic moment between Haldane and Castle should be combined with a dangerous police operation. And, of course, like everything else in this part of the episode, Took is the one who actually creates the diversion by inviting a right perv to inspect her hemline.

Took even has to unlock the door for them. Seriously, she’ll be taking over Captain Podly’s office any day now.

A bit hot and bothered after all that, are we?

The pair find themselves apprehended by some empty masks and costumes. They don’t look much like wrestling outfits so I’m not sure why Coe Barner would have them in storage. Maybe he had this exact situation in mind when he put them there.

Operation Kiss-Our-Way-Into-A-Room-And-Hope-Nobody-Will-Notice may have succeeded on a personal level for Officers Haldane and Castle, but I don’t think the history books will look upon the plan quite so favourably, since they find themselves getting caught within 10 seconds.

Brogan and Tildon take a much more rudimentary approach to getting through the other door.

This guy really does look like his face has been scribbled on with a sharpie. I wonder whether any of this “face tattoo” make-up was ever screen-tested because it really doesn’t look very good.

Apparently this guy is some sort of champion. Hmmm. If you say so.

Barner explains how much money was riding on Tildon fighting this so-called champion. With a laughably small amount of persuasion, Nillim volunteers to do the fight instead. He seems totally up for having his mind controlled by the flame stone and killing a man in cold blood just so that Barner can make his money back. I’m really not clear on what’s in it for Nillim.

Tildon interrupts just before the flame stone is fixed to his son’s forehead, and agrees to do the fight. Apparently everyone wants to be in this fight now!

Brogan arrives to arrest Barner but Seegur and Durl are close behind. For a couple of clueless henchmen they really are very efficient.

Seegur gets ready to give Brogan a special hug as we fade out for a commercial break.

When we come back, all that thrilling business with Brogan and Barner is put on hold so we can have yet another scene about Grandpa Zaydek. Romek and Orrin are packing him off to the spaceport so he can travel to another star system and live with Romek’s sister, Leemek. They drag the lost old fella into the elevator and he asks “Who are you?” as the doors close. I’m really not invested in this subplot. It’s probably building up to some big fat payoff at the end, but right now it’s giving me nothing.

Back to the actual story, and Haldane and Castle have been left tied up together. Castle asks for “the truth” while Haldane sidesteps the question. Hearing a real heart-to-heart between these two probably would have been nice, but I agree that the timing isn’t ideal.

Barner introduces his show in the usual manner, including a demonstration of the steaming pool of lightning. Castle and Haldane’s flirting is interrupted when the fusebox on the wall starts to go bananas. Apparently Barner’s team did not conduct thorough electrical inspections before booking their tour venues. How irresponsible.

Took remains committed to her character as she advertises soothers, mints, and cigars for the punters. She’s blissfully unaware that her colleagues have totally blundered the whole operation despite her top notch performance.

News of Brogan of Earth’s unexpected arrival in the ring is met with a mixed response. The crowd are delighted by the prospect of watching a human die horribly in a fight. Brogan’s colleagues are not so thrilled.

Took has to take charge and requests reinforcements. Unfortunately that only leaves Orrin and Romek, plus a snoozing Zaydek, to come and help out. What about all those other police officers we see milling about the station house every week? What have they got going on that’s so important?

Brogan’s opponent is Tildon. We all knew that’s where this was headed, but there’s some great tension there anyway. The fact we’ve watched these two build up such a respectable rapport over the course of the episode really pays off here.

Needless to say, Tildon refuses to fight. Alas, he gets really narky when Barner pokes him with a stick and the flame stone is activated. It’s a shame that’s all it took. Don’t get me wrong, getting jabbed in the gut repeatedly is probably very annoying, but I’m not sure it would be enough to activate my killer instinct. I dare you to try it the next time you see me.

Well, the crowd are up for it, Barner’s up for it, Tildon’s up for it, and Brogan doesn’t have much of a choice, so it’s time for the big showdown!

All things considered, Brogan does quite well. Took’s rooting for him when I’m sure most people would just write him off immediately. Brogan manages to land a couple of good moves against Tildon early on. His luck doesn’t last and he’s soon battered and bruised at the mercy of Tildon’s untamed strength. There’s a very real sense that Brogan might not get out of this one. Most Space Precinct fight sequences tend to just happen because they need to happen and we can always guess the outcomes. This one carries a lot more weight than usual. The way the fight is choreographed, shot, and edited is all truly excellent. Ted Shackelford and Tony Haygarth really go for it in the close-ups, and their doubles are well disguised in the long shots. John Glen really handles these scenes with expert precision.

The action is balanced out with tension as Haldane and Castle work to get free from their restraints.

Thunderbolts and lightning! Very, very frightening!

Castle and Haldane successfully untie themselves but their next obstacle is a locked door. Simone Bendix and Rob Youngblood do an excellent job of making the door handle seem like the toughest locking mechanism you’ve ever seen, when really it looks like it would just fall apart if you breathed on it too hard.

Well at least someone’s having a wonderful time.

Brogan escapes from getting chucked into the zappy pit of despair for now, but Tildon’s not letting him get off that easily and continues to beat the everlasting flip out of him.

While the fight rages on, Haldane realises that they have the ability to cut the power to the lightning pools of terror which would hopefully make the fight a little less deathy.

Meanwhile, Barner and his goons plan to make their escape sooner rather than later with as much money as they can carry. It would seem that even they are a bit twitchy about the idea of killing a police officer for entertainment.

In order to shut off the power, Haldane and Castle yank a length of wire out of one of the masked mannequins with the intention of jamming it in the fusebox to create a short circuit. To spare Haldane from getting fried, Castle whips off her skirt to insulate the wire because it’s made of “polytrilene” and apparently Castle makes a point of buying clothes which guarantee zero electrical conductivity. Sure, whatever. Of course, we all know that was probably just the writers desperately trying to come up with an excuse for Simone Bendix to get her legs out again.

But hold it, hold it, hold it! Were you watching this episode on BBC2 at six o’clock on Monday, 19th February 1996? Well then, you probably remember this whole sequence playing out a bit differently. We’ve discussed a few instances across the series where the BBC insisted on cutting material from the episodes that was considered unsuitable for a teatime audience. Moments of gore, terror, or mature themes were edited down to an absolute minimum in an attempt to make Space Precinct suitable for the 6:00 pm time slot without drastically altering the stories. However, this scene involving Haldane jabbing a wire into an electrical box was considered totally unworkable. The BBC didn’t want to encourage children to go messing around with high voltage electricity, but editing out these shots would suddenly leave a gap in the plot. The solution was to rewrite and reshoot the scene especially for the BBC2 transmission of Illegal. Chris Dale narrates an excellent little featurette on the Space Precinct Blu-ray boxset about this particular anomaly which I encourage you to take a look at. Here are some key points from that bonus feature:

As you can see, paperwork was provided that detailed exactly which sections of any given episode the BBC requested changes to. In most cases the remedy to any problem was either to ignore it or edit it out. This scene in Illegal was one of only two examples from the whole series that required a reshoot. The remounted scene was filmed several months later, during the production of The Forever Beetle on April 5th 1995. The new scene involved the electrical box remaining closed while Haldane and Castle struggle to move the shut-off lever on the side. As you can plainly see there were some continuity issues to contend with. Rob Youngblood’s hair had grown considerably and was therefore slicked back into a totally new style for this scene. The electrical box suddenly had to acquire a lever on the side for Castle and Haldane to operate. In order to account for Castle losing her skirt for the remainder of the episode, that moment still had to be worked into the new scene somehow. So, instead of using the skirt to electrically insulate the wire which Haldane jabs into the fusebox, it is instead used to insulate from the burning heat of the lever.

All in all, I’d say it’s about as elegant a solution to the problem as they could have possibly managed to produce. Everyone will have their own opinions as to whether the BBC were right to insist on the change, especially given all the other controversial material Space Precinct was offering up. In an episode all about snuff fights, a brief stunt involving electricity may seem a silly thing to get worked up about. But I’m not sure the BBC actually were especially worked up about this scene, at least no more than any of the others they took issue with. It just stands out in hindsight because a reshoot was deemed necessary in order to preserve the story. If they could have simply edited out the scene like all the other censored moments in the series, I’m sure they would have done.

So, whether you were watching Haldane nearly electrocute himself or watching him struggle with a pesky lever, Brogan is getting ready to lose the fight. The same as before, Tildon is carrying his opponent around and trying to battle his killer instinct to throw the poor guy out of the ring and into oblivion. Brogan is absolutely pant-wettingly terrified.

Just in time, the circuit is fried or the lever is successfully yanked, depending on which version of events you’re able to stomach.

Brogan lands without even a little bit of a zap. Phew. The BBC will be relieved.

Three DCPD cruisers arrive, so at least we’re not entirely dependent on Orrin, Romek, and Grandpa Zaydek to save the day.

While Barner and Nillim work on escaping into the sewer, Tildon tries to catch them up. Why do all these dodgy fight venues have direct access to the sewer system from inside the building? The place must stink.

Took takes full command of the situation and apprehends Seegur and Durl before they can escape with the cash. Yes, of course she’s going to take on all the bad guys single-handed. Officer Aurelia Took can do anything she darn well likes.

Romek and Orrin finally show up to assist. They arrive through the doors this time, rather than the ceiling. Boring!

Took unlocks the door to free Haldane and Castle. She immediately questions the whereabouts of Castle’s skirt which is an odd thing to comment on given the present emergency. Okay, yes, it is a bit odd, but there are more important things going on right now!

“OH MAN I LOVE THIS JOB!!!” Brogan groans through all the pain and hysteria. A perfect deployment of the catchphrase I think you’ll agree.

Barner and Nillim wander through the sewers. The set reuses the tubular corridors originally built for the Talon Princess from The Snake. The sewers are filled with dry ice because that’s a bit more pleasant to look at than the alternative sewer contents.

Brogan is surprisingly sprightly given the intense beating he’s just received and scuttles off down into the sewers with remarkable urgency.

Nillim finally decides that he doesn’t like his new daddy and kicks Barner to the ground in one swift move before legging it.

The same piece of set is able to double as three different sections of sewer pipe as everyone scrambles around looking for everyone else.

Barner starts shooting at shadows because we needed a little bit of extra tension here.

Tildon tracks down his nemesis and throws him to the floor. I have a question… Why is there a bicycle parked in the sewers?

The twinkly flame stone of death is sparkling away like one of Tinkerbell’s farts. Tildon is inches from popping it in his head slot and going to town on Barner.

Brogan arrives just in time to appeal to Tildon’s conscience. Castle is looking around the sewer as if she’s never seen such a dreadful place before… just wait until you see Haldane’s apartment.

Nillim comes back to reunite with his father. Frankly, I was never that bothered about the little twerp but we’ve got to tie up those loose ends.

Brogan is decent enough to pick up Barner off the floor. It’s only just occurred to me that Coe Barner is probably named after the American showman P. T. Barnum. Clever.

Back at the station house, Took is keen to dig into Haldane and Castle’s little frisson…

Jack has some fun and suggests that the kiss was strictly professional, insinuating that Jane might not have been so capable of keeping her personal feelings out of it. Yeah, I’m not really sure why he’s treating her like garbage now. Clearly, Haldane is still fairly incapable of emotional vulnerability and we’ve got a long way to go. Pity.

Castle gives Haldane a stern reminder that she’s always a professional.

“Me too,” quips Haldane as he holds onto his colleague’s skirt for safekeeping. More like #MeToo you dirty twerp.

Over at the spaceport, Romek is getting ready to say goodbye to Zaydek. He’s finally lucid, accepting of the slower pace of his life, and he’s grateful to Romek for inviting him along for the episode. Romek drops the bombshell that it was indeed Zaydek who found the ticket to the fight night in the garbage… as if that was some kind of shocking revelation. The scene ends with the two laughing about how some old police tricks haven’t changed. And apparently that was the point of that whole subplot. It really wasn’t very worthwhile.

The grumpy immigration officer is back with a comedy bandage on his head. Uh-oh.

Tildon offers himself up for deportation. That really is a very silly bandage on that guy’s head.

Brogan’s got a bruise on his face the size of Brazil. He explains that Tildon is a key witness in the Coe Barner case and must therefore hang around on Altor and wait to appear at the trial. Apparently that could take years.

So, that means Tildon can settle and find a job with the help of the ICC officer and his comedy bandage. Smiles all around. Brogan welcomes Tildon and Nillim to Demeter City. This moment would probably have had more impact if the show’s proper first episode, Demeter City, had actually been filmed, and we’d seen Brogan and his family arrive in Demeter as immigrants themselves. It could have been nice to compare and contrast the two moments and demonstrate the character’s growth. Ah well. It’s still a nice way to wrap up the episode.

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I would certainly rate Illegal as a strong contender in the series so far. My only real complaints lie in the largely irrelevant Grandpa Zaydek subplot, and one or two design choices. Otherwise, I think John Glen directs the episode with confidence. He firmly understood the brief and quite rightly prioritised making the fight sequences a highlight. It’s also nice to see characters like Sally and Took playing more active roles in the story, and to get some development in the Haldane/Castle romance – even if the conclusion to that particular story strand wasn’t entirely satisfying. At least the writers are open to exploring new avenues for the characters.

Marc Scott Zicree delivered no further scripts for Space Precinct after Illegal, which seems a shame because his episodes favour smaller, character-driven drama. Where other Space Precinct episodes like to put the whole of Demeter in deadly danger, Zicree’s plots tend to revolve around the police trying to help or hinder one particular individual. Enforcer, Body & Soul, and Illegal all focus on depth rather than breadth. They may not be the most spectacular episodes of the series, but I’ve found them to be the most narratively competent of the bunch, and a pleasure to watch rather than an annoyance. That probably doesn’t sound like particularly high praise, but frankly the standard in other Space Precinct episodes we’ve seen has been so low I’m glad at least one writer was able to rise up and produce some gems. Here’s hoping that more writers for the series followed in his footsteps.